Monday, January 9, 2012

An Update

Politics are boring me. I just can't find the energy to care lately and it's starting to worry me a little. I'm sure things will pick up when there's a singular Republican candidate to focus my annoyance on, but as of now I feel sort of indifferent about it all. I'm not entirely sure why.

In other news though, spring semester started today and my classes are amazing so far. Gender and Horror is gonna be as awesome as I had hoped and my Gender and Social Change professor is a ball of energy. Seriously, if I could bring her home in my pocket I would. It's nice having all my generals out of the way and focus my specifically on my major. If I can avoid getting as lost as I did today I'll be a happy Alana.

I've also had a few interesting experiences with Ryan. I've come to realize that I was never fully comfortable in our relationship. I know this probably seems odd, but I always felt like I wasn't interesting enough for him. This is completely shocking to anyone who has actually met Ryan, but I couldn't help but feel like I always had to have something to say that would make him more...animated I guess. I didn't even know it was something I felt until I didn't have to do it anymore. Now that I no longer waste my energy trying to think of things to talk about, I see what a silly thing it was to do. Slowly I've come to realize that I was always a little worried I wasn't enough. And I don't know if that's how other people feel in their relationships, but I don't think it's healthy.

I want someone I can fight with. Someone who's passionate and silly and interesting on their own. Someone I don't feel the need to "entertain." Even though it's hard to admit these things to myself, it's also freeing.

I know this post was super random, but that's a little bit about what's been happening with me.


  1. Sometimes I go through phases where politics don't interest me. Honestly, I think it's because you've got so much going on in your life right now that's tangible and affecting you, the political stuff may seem sort of abstract. It's hard to be passionate about politics 100% of the time, especially when it seems so futile and depressing.

  2. That sounds a lot like how I felt with my previous boyfriend (the evil ex). I didn't even realize it, but I was always afraid that he was judging me and finding me wanting. Something in the back of my mind was always anxiously analyzing everything I did to make sure it would be what he wanted, and I ended up stifling myself in the process. It didn't really become apparent to me until I started dating Mike. I feel so comfortable just being me around him that the difference was like night and day.

  3. hi alana, i knew you had gone through a breakup and thought maybe i had commented some time back but i haven't been doing much blog reading and certainly have no grasp on politics. my work schedule got crazy last summer and just kept getting worse until my body gave out recently and i was put on homerest for a couple weeks from my doctor. so from bed, i've been catching up on some reading and just read your posts about your personal life going back to october. i'm so sorry for your pain but know you will be stronger and more clear on what you need to be happy from all of this. i noticed your writing was really poetic when you seemed to be struggling the most. i identified with some of the "vague" statements you made about reaching out to people post relationship breakup. i really have no advice because some of the things you mentioned i am still working out for myself, a year and half post separation from my ex, but i wouldn't have it any other way. not to be too corny but it's a journey and not knowing what's around the next bend is better than being in a relationship that doesn't support you to be your relaxed, true, best self.

  4. Just as long as you dont
    support abortion/homoism,
    it's very cool to be a demo.
    I see absolutely no problem withat...
    yet, if you support those two things
    and you perish,
    I fear for your indelible soul.
    Why? you ask.
    Precisely cuzz those are of satan.
    Dont believe in the devil?
    Then you're truly lost...
    Better wake-up, dear.
    1-outta-1 bites-the-dust, babe;
    1-outta-1 must face our Divine Judgement;
    1-outta-1 will go to either
    the Abyss o'Misery or Seventh-Heaven.
    And dats d'fak, Jak.
    Im just the perennial KOO D'TAH;
    Im the prophet withe prophit.
    You alone must make the decision:
    Heaven or Hell.

    Exactly RCIA is totally appropos.

  5. great post I really appreciate you... keep it up.
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