Thursday, November 3, 2011

Foolish Games

I feel like this blog has become my diary and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I always feel like I have to apologize for talking about my personal life which makes absolutely no sense I know. Ironically these are the posts that get read the most so maybe I should worry less and write more.

As I settle into my new life with Ryan out of the house I've learned two very important things about myself. One, I somehow manage to turn every creak into a murdering psycho who's on his way to kill me. Two, it's really hard having only a five year old to talk to.

Any stay at home parents will relate to this, but Holden is driving me a little crazy. You'd think I'd be used to it since I don't work, but it's ten times worse now that I don't have a grown up to talk to every evening or someone to take over listening-to-random-kid-thoughts duty. And then when Holden is gone on Saturdays with Ryan, I feel an embarrassing amount of loneliness. Like I don't even know what to do with myself. This has basically lead to the harassment of some of my friends. I'm counting down to the days I move just so I can rest easy knowing other people are in the house. How people live alone I'll never understand. I need to have people around me. Maybe it's because I've always lived with a lot of people, but an empty home doesn't feel like a home to me at all. It just feels like a box where I keep my stuff.

I guess that's the hardest part about this whole mess: the loneliness. It's already lead me to make some questionable decisions. I don't deal well with being by myself. This is something I've always known and I'm trying my hardest to be a little more level headed this time around. Yet, as always, I throw myself into situations I know are bad for me. But even knowing so, I jump headfirst and without any hesitation. Sometimes I wonder if the reason I hold nothing back is so I can feel vindicated when everything burns down around me. Like I can't be touched by the ugliness of blame because I know I gave it my all. It's just impossible to know how I feel about anything anymore. Everything is all tangled up in a mess of rejection and the hope for something better. I tell myself all the things I know I should (like "it's too soon" and "don't over think it") and yet my stubbornness refuses to let go of my inevitable disappointment.

So I retreat back into my world of lists and plans. I'm moving in with my friend and Ryan's brother and we're still trying to find a place. You'd think I'd be keeping busy with school, but I'm having a hard time focusing on anything actually productive. Every time I get caught up in one class I feel like I'm drowning in another. I'm just trying to get through this semester so I can start over in January. It's like I'm stuck in this in-between place where little matters and yet everything means so much more.

3 comments:

  1. The other night I was home alone with just the dogs. I was sitting in the basement, watching tv, when a sound came from the bathroom. I looked over and the door was closed. The dogs ran over to the bathroom and started barking. I quickly realized that I hadn't gone to the bathroom since I had been home and that the door had remained shut since I arrived. Of course my first thought was that someone had gotten into my house while I was gone and they were hiding in my bathroom, waiting for the perfect time to kill me. I went and grabbed a baseball bat that I keep next to my bed. (also there for people who break in to kill me) With bat in hand and the dogs by my side, I turned the door knob and quickly pushed the door open. The dogs ran in to find nothing. Apparently the suctioned towel hook fell off the shower door and that's what made the noise.

    I'm telling you this story to let you know that you're not the only one who turns every noise into a murdering psycho. When I am home alone, I turn on every outside light because I feel that if I don't, I can't see the psycho outside looking in at me. It doesn't help that the dogs bark at any slight noise they hear.

    I am 33 years old and I have never lived alone. I've always had a roommate, boyfriend, husband or someone living with me. And I've always had the same thoughts as you. I don't understand how people are able to live alone. I'm even a little envious of those people who can.

    I completely understand Holden driving you crazy sometimes. I know that you like doing arts and crafts, have you tried giving him things to do to keep him busy? Or maybe designate a half an hour or so of reading time for him to read his favorite book himself so you can have some quiet time? (just making suggestions, not condemning you in any way)

    I don't know what these questionable decisions are that you're making, but as long as you're not hurting you or your son, then maybe they're not too awful? I know I did things out of my character after my ex and I split up and I questioned what I was doing. But they helped me to become a better person and realize what I really wanted for myself and my future.

    I know right now is the worst of the worst but it will get better sooner than it feels like. And again, I'm always here for you if you need to vent to an internet friend.

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  2. haha I'm glad I'm not the only one! And I think I need to buy a bat. ;) As I said though I only have to get through the month. And your ideas for Holden sound pretty good too.

    I should probably admit I'm a bit dramatic so I promise I'm not doing anything too questionable. It's just that I might have traded something wonderful for something real without fully thinking it through. I know that makes little sense, but since a simple google search brings up this blog I have to tread lightly haha. Thank you for your support though! It means a lot. :)

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  3. I am still like that, and I live with someone. Not always, but if I forget to lock the front door at night, every sound is some crazed neighbor bent on a murdering rage. Oh the fun!

    However, I am one of those lucky people (I suppose) that can live by myself pretty happily. No one telling me to clean, or change the channel or tell me it's too late to read (sigh, those days are gone). I was a happy recluse. This was before the internet was in every house hold, so I read. A LOT. And watched X-Files (and Buffy).

    I started a "Mommy Reading Time" with my kid when he was younger. I shushed every time he would interrupt, or tell him to get one of his books and read - quietly (hahahaha) - next to me. I tried to make sure it became part of the schedule (like just after dinner or before bed time). It helped set the rules for the following years so now I can say, Mommy needs some quiet time, and I can squeeze 30 minutes or more.

    You can do this :) You've been through Hades and back and I think the fact you are doing those 'questionable' things, and thinking/questioning yourself is a good thing. It makes you grow as a person and learn more about yourself...which is never easy (they lie about that, just like they say you will forget the pain of child birth!!)

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