I thought you guys might be interested to know what's been happening in my life since everything fell apart. Even though I feel a little strange writing about my personal life in such detail, I don't want the story to be half told. At the end of the day I'd rather give too much away then not enough. This is how I try to live my life and its worked out pretty well so far.
Its been two weeks now since Ryan broke up with me, but it feels like I've already lived a century in that short time. I've felt everything from unbearable sadness to surprising happiness. While part of me still can't believe this is happening, the other part is starting to be okay with it. I feel guilty admitting that, but I'm actually starting to look forward to the future. I'm at the point where I'm starting to question my feelings for Ryan and that's a good thing. Even though I would have given Ryan everything, I'm starting to wonder if I even know him anymore. The man I fell in love with wouldn't so easily walk away and I'm starting to suspect he's just not that man anymore.
We told Holden Ryan was moving out on Friday and Ryan will be out of the house by the end of the week. I know it's gonna be really hard for me that day, but it had to happen. I need him to leave so I can adjust. It's not fair for either of us to be trapped in this arrangement for the sake of ease. And to be quite honest, I simply don't want him here. I'm having a hard time believing I'm going to be doing this mostly on my own though. I wouldn't say I'm a single parent, but I'm no longer part of a partnership and it's really scary. I know I'll be okay and we've already agreed on a schedule, but it's still a bit overwhelming at times. The thought of being alone in the house where we built our lives is hard so I'm planning on moving at the end of the month.
Moving won't be easy either. I'm going to be moving in with my girlfriend and both of us worry about our relationship and how everything's gonna work. Making plans for the future though is what has really gotten me through this. It's easier to make lists and figure out payment schedules than it is to sit still.
And that's really it. It's strange but I actually feel like I'm moving on too quickly. Like I should be more sad. But every time I go out with my friends I see glimpses of the life I can have and I want it. Maybe it's because of the life I had growing up, but I know I'm infinitely stronger than this situation and I'm done feeling like life has let me down. I just can't go anywhere with that. I'm surrounded by far too many amazing people to wallow in self pity. I had a moment this weekend that made me realize I can't dwell on the past.
So no I'm not perfectly fine, but I will be. And if it's anything like this weekend it'll be more glorious than I would have thought possible.