Monday, October 24, 2011

What we need isn't always what we want

I thought you guys might be interested to know what's been happening in my life since everything fell apart. Even though I feel a little strange writing about my personal life in such detail, I don't want the story to be half told. At the end of the day I'd rather give too much away then not enough. This is how I try to live my life and its worked out pretty well so far.

Its been two weeks now since Ryan broke up with me, but it feels like I've already lived a century in that short time. I've felt everything from unbearable sadness to surprising happiness. While part of me still can't believe this is happening, the other part is starting to be okay with it. I feel guilty admitting that, but I'm actually starting to look forward to the future. I'm at the point where I'm starting to question my feelings for Ryan and that's a good thing. Even though I would have given Ryan everything, I'm starting to wonder if I even know him anymore. The man I fell in love with wouldn't so easily walk away and I'm starting to suspect he's just not that man anymore.

We told Holden Ryan was moving out on Friday and Ryan will be out of the house by the end of the week. I know it's gonna be really hard for me that day, but it had to happen. I need him to leave so I can adjust. It's not fair for either of us to be trapped in this arrangement for the sake of ease. And to be quite honest, I simply don't want him here. I'm having a hard time believing I'm going to be doing this mostly on my own though. I wouldn't say I'm a single parent, but I'm no longer part of a partnership and it's really scary. I know I'll be okay and we've already agreed on a schedule, but it's still a bit overwhelming at times. The thought of being alone in the house where we built our lives is hard so I'm planning on moving at the end of the month.

Moving won't be easy either. I'm going to be moving in with my girlfriend and both of us worry about our relationship and how everything's gonna work. Making plans for the future though is what has really gotten me through this. It's easier to make lists and figure out payment schedules than it is to sit still.

And that's really it. It's strange but I actually feel like I'm moving on too quickly. Like I should be more sad. But every time I go out with my friends I see glimpses of the life I can have and I want it. Maybe it's because of the life I had growing up, but I know I'm infinitely stronger than this situation and I'm done feeling like life has let me down. I just can't go anywhere with that. I'm surrounded by far too many amazing people to wallow in self pity. I had a moment this weekend that made me realize I can't dwell on the past.

So no I'm not perfectly fine, but I will be. And if it's anything like this weekend it'll be more glorious than I would have thought possible.

8 comments:

  1. It's weird, these transitions we go through in the aftermath of something like this. I hope you continue to look on the bright side of things and think of this as an opportunity for yourself. Your future is not necessarily tied to Ryan's, aside from where Holden is concerned, and it's absolutely 100% okay to think of how good things will come for you.

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  2. Glad to see you have got your chin up love!! Keep it up and you will do just fine!!

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  3. It is so awesome that you have an amazing support system. Wallowing in your own self pity only keeps you in your own self pity and after a while, it begins to stink. I'm glad you're able to realize that there's more out there for you, that you can have a life outside of Ryan. You ARE infinitely stronger than this situation and the more you realize that, the better off you'll be. =)

    How did Holden react when you told him?

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  4. I'm really digging the tone of this post. No doubt there will be ups, downs, and all arounds, but the fact that you're seeing bits of brightness is a damn good sign. Thanks for letting us know how you're doing. Y'all have been in my thoughts!

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  5. Thanks so much you guys! It really means a lot.

    Sarah: An opportunity for myself is the perfect way to describe it. :)

    April: My relationship with everyone around me is the best thing that has come out of this whole mess. I feel like it's taken a lot of my friendships to a much deeper level and I feel very lucky for it.

    Holden didn't react at all so I'm not sure he fully understood. :/ We'll just have to see what happens next week. Because of my school schedule there are only a couple days Holden won't see Ryan though so I'm hoping he won't be too upset.

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  6. I'm glad you're choosing to look at this from a positive perspective and using it to get to know yourself again and create an awesome (albeit different) life for yourself going forward.

    You rock.

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  7. It's really good to hear you're doing better and finding strength in yourself. :)

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  8. Thanks you guys! I'm just one of those eternally optimistic people luckily. My cynicism just usually makes it less pronounced lol.

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