I've been staring at my computer screen trying to find the words to explain how my whole life has fallen apart. How one day you can wake up to find you built your house on a pile of sand and there's nothing you can do to stop everything from tumbling down.
Yesterday Ryan broke up with me.
Most of you know we've been having problems. I posted about it last week and you guys were overwhelmingly supportive (and I'm super thankful). So what happened in a week? Without getting into too much detail I found out Ryan's been talking to this girl at work quite frequently (30 times in ten days frequent). Anyone who knows Ryan knows he's not the phone type so I thought it was peculiar. When he admitted he liked her I gave him an ultimatum. As you can guess that didn't work out too well for me.
So here I am. I don't even know what I feel besides an overwhelming sadness. I keep wondering where I went wrong. What was I not able to give him? How is it so easy for him to throw away everything we built together? I feel unloved and discarded by the person I thought would always be there. By the person I would do anything for and am thoroughly and completely still in love with. Part of me feels like I deserve this for being too happy and too confident in our relationship.
I realize not all of these things are true. It's just the way everyone feels when their heart has been broken. But knowing it doesn't change the fact I still feel it. I never believed in forever until I met Ryan and I'm bitter. I feel cheated out of something I was promised. And while the suddenness is what makes it hurt so much more, Ryan admitted he hasn't been happy for a while. So he also gave me the gift of thinking back over our lives and wondering how much of it was real and how much was a lie.
But how could it have not been real? That's what I keep wondering. How could I not have known? Wouldn't I have felt it? Why does his unhappiness have to be the end of everything? We aren't even gonna work on it? How can it be so easy for him? The thought of having to tell our families is nauseating and I just want to fix things. But how can you fix something when the other person has already given up? How can he be so nonchalant about the fact he just tore out my heart? And what about Holden? Doesn't he deserve better?
As you can see by this post my emotions keep bouncing between despair and rage. (Is there anything more infuriating than the phrase "I still care about you?") Maybe I'm being a little unfair, but I don't care. All day I kept thinking Ryan would realize he'd made a terrible mistake. But then as soon as he could he scurried off to call her. So I guess that's it.
And by god it hurts.