Thursday, October 13, 2011

It's Over

I've been staring at my computer screen trying to find the words to explain how my whole life has fallen apart. How one day you can wake up to find you built your house on a pile of sand and there's nothing you can do to stop everything from tumbling down.

Yesterday Ryan broke up with me.

Most of you know we've been having problems. I posted about it last week and you guys were overwhelmingly supportive (and I'm super thankful). So what happened in a week? Without getting into too much detail I found out Ryan's been talking to this girl at work quite frequently (30 times in ten days frequent). Anyone who knows Ryan knows he's not the phone type so I thought it was peculiar. When he admitted he liked her I gave him an ultimatum. As you can guess that didn't work out too well for me.

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At our baby shower 2005

So here I am. I don't even know what I feel besides an overwhelming sadness. I keep wondering where I went wrong. What was I not able to give him? How is it so easy for him to throw away everything we built together? I feel unloved and discarded by the person I thought would always be there. By the person I would do anything for and am thoroughly and completely still in love with. Part of me feels like I deserve this for being too happy and too confident in our relationship.

I realize not all of these things are true. It's just the way everyone feels when their heart has been broken. But knowing it doesn't change the fact I still feel it. I never believed in forever until I met Ryan and I'm bitter. I feel cheated out of something I was promised. And while the suddenness is what makes it hurt so much more, Ryan admitted he hasn't been happy for a while. So he also gave me the gift of thinking back over our lives and wondering how much of it was real and how much was a lie.

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August 2009

But how could it have not been real? That's what I keep wondering. How could I not have known? Wouldn't I have felt it? Why does his unhappiness have to be the end of everything? We aren't even gonna work on it? How can it be so easy for him? The thought of having to tell our families is nauseating and I just want to fix things. But how can you fix something when the other person has already given up? How can he be so nonchalant about the fact he just tore out my heart? And what about Holden? Doesn't he deserve better?

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Last Christmas

As you can see by this post my emotions keep bouncing between despair and rage. (Is there anything more infuriating than the phrase "I still care about you?") Maybe I'm being a little unfair, but I don't care. All day I kept thinking Ryan would realize he'd made a terrible mistake. But then as soon as he could he scurried off to call her. So I guess that's it.

And by god it hurts.

24 comments:

  1. You are allowed to feel hurt, and angry, and sad. I wish I knew what to say. Just know that if you need any support, you've got it.

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  2. Oh, man. I'm so sorry to hear that! I can only imagine how that must feel. I don't understand why he wouldn't say something when he first thought there was aproblem. That's shitty. Ugh, I'm kinda mad at him for your sake. :(

    *hugs* I hope things get better for you soon. You deserve to be happy.

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  3. Thanks you guys.

    Eve: That's exactly what I'm wondering. Why did it have to get here before he said anything?

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  4. I really have no words of wisdom or anything that can help at this time besides I'm sorry, and I know a little bit of how you feel. My heart aches for you because I know the despair you're feeling. I'm just so sorry! Hang in there and know I'm thinking about you.

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  5. I hate when bad things happen to good people. I don't know what to say, no magic words to make it better. I'm so sorry, Alana.

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  6. I have this saying, "Men are Stupid" (and yes of course we can say the same about women, but it applies WAY MORE to men). Because it's true. Men (ok ok, the vast majority of men) are just plain stupid. They don't know it when they have a good thing and next thing you know they are thinking of things were better in the beginning and that things have changed and that they aren't happy and blah blah blah. See, men get stuck inside their little wee heads and don't realize that change is going to happen and it can be good or bad and you learn and change and so on and so forth. Women, we get that. We get that things change and grow and you grow with them or you become stupid. Ugh. It's so hard to find non-stupid men. (I am still waiting for the hubby to get his head out of his ass, but it might be years yet...)

    I am so very sorry. It is crushing. Everything you're feeling is good/right to feel, because they are *your* feelings (if that makes sense). Be angry, mad, sad, confused, relieved, scared, anything and everything. And what you felt for the last several years was real. It was real because that is how YOU felt. We can't control what other people feel (damn it) or do (double damn it), only what we ourselves do.

    I agree with Eve, you deserve to be happy and in a happy relationship. Hopefully that will happen sooner than later!

    (sorry for the long comment!)

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  7. Thanks you guys. And you made me laugh so double thanks. :)

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  8. Oh, honey. I'm so so so so sorry. I know that nothing I can say will make it any better. But everything you are feeling is valid and even if I tell you that you didn't do anything wrong, I know that doesn't make it any easier to believe it.

    I'm here if you need to vent as this process continues and I wish I had some advice on what makes me feel better when this kind of stuff happens to me. Unfortunately, my coping mechanisms are crap so I wouldn't suggest taking any advice from me on that front.

    Cry as much as you need to. You're allowed. I'm sorry. <3

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  9. I know I have no right, but this makes me want to hit pillows. Repeatedly. As hard as I can. >.<

    *Shakes head* Is there a worse combination than being angry and brokenhearted? I've yet to come across it, if there is. It's that in-between where you want to rant and rage, but can hardly be arsed to work up the energy to do it.

    Like others have said, there really aren't any magic words here. Damned if I don't wish there were. You don't deserve to have your heart broken for being happy. You just don't. He made an ass of a move letting you think things were okay. And, why is it you should have known something was going on if he didn't open his mouth and say something? Granted, there may have been signs and the like, but people need to stop expecting their partners to turn into mind readers. It's just unreasonable.

    Bah. I'm running my mouth. If there's anything I might do, feel free to let me know. Meanwhile, I'll be sending positive vibes and mental hugs and the like.

    ~CJ

    **No pillows were harmed in the writing of this comment.

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  10. haha thanks! You said exactly what I'm feeling. Were there signs? I'm sure there were. But the signs of happiness made them unnoticeable. I remember him telling me he thought our relationship was the best its ever been less than a year ago.

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  11. That's one of the reasons I feel so cheated. He allowed his feelings to lessen and gave himself distance before he broke up with me. Why do I deserve to feel everything so deeply when it's so much easier for him? Ugh there I go again...

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  12. :( I am so sorry! Sometimes the thoughts that float around in your head afterward are almost more painful than the actual "it's over". It's been 4 1/2 months since Steve broke my heart and I am still thinking the same things you are: Did I do something wrong? Why aren't I good enough? Where did I go wrong? How can he be okay with this? Was there something I could have done to prevent this? How can he let go of all our history and our future so easily? Steve was my home. He made me feel safe and made everything better and just knowing he was there meant the world to me. And then he took all those promises away from me and expects me to still live my life?

    It took me almost two months before I told anybody, because I knew once I did, it would become real, and I didn't want it to be real.
    I still feel a mass amount of anger towards Steve for ending it and being so selfish, and even though I'm starting to be "okay" with it, I will still lash out and start hitting him and throw things at him haha it kind of helps.

    But just know this... it does get better. I know you are feeling overwhelmed with pain, confusion, and sadness, and it seems like you will never be the same, but you somehow in someway survive. You need to let yourself cry (a lot) and let yourself feel this hurt and pain. If you try and act fine, it will only make the pain worse when you finally face the reality. I told myself that I would allow myself to hurt and cry and feel bad for myself for two months, and after that, I had to be strong and move on and start living and making my new life.

    I know nobody can really say anything to make you feel better and whole again, but just know, it does get better and you will see that as shitty as it is, everything does happen for a reason. And also, since I've suffered and "survived" this pain, I really feel inevitable to everything else in the world that could happen to me. I feel like if you can survive a broken heart, you can survive anything. (sorry for the cheese).

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  13. I also agree with Faery Chaos...

    Men think that relationships are supposed to be easy, perfect and no effort put into them on a daily basis. Once something goes "wrong" or doesn't feel right, their automatic solution is they aren't happy and to end it and find something else. You know, God forbid they can stick around and try to make it work. They don't understand that relationships take a lot of hard work that is needed almost everyday. You can't sit back and have everything just be perfect. Relationships aren't a 50/50 effort, they are 100/100.

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  14. "That's one of the reasons I feel so cheated. He allowed his feelings to lessen and gave himself distance before he broke up with me. Why do I deserve to feel everything so deeply when it's so much easier for him? Ugh there I go again..."

    Because you've got a big heart. That's why you'll pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get on with living and loving when you're ready. He's the one who's going to have to deal with never having "enough." Enough of what? Hard to say what you might call it. Love? Contentment? Happiness? I don't know. Maybe there isn't a word for it. Regardless, emotions are the symptoms of having enough courage and tenacity of spirit to care, and the boldness to be willing to risk your Self. Emotions mean you'll be the one to not only survive, but thrive.

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  15. I didn't go through all of the comments, so if this is a repeat, I'm sorry.

    What it sounds like to me is The Grass Is Greener Syndrome. (It's real, I swear!) See, you're so smart, beautiful, passionate, creative, funny, a great cook, an awesome mommy and from what it sounds like a wonderful girlfriend. But all of that gets taken for granted after a while as it does in many relationships. Then he meets a girl because we can't avoid meeting people of the opposite sex. She bats her eye lashes, flirts a little, gives him a little attention and then all of the sudden the grass is looking greener to him. But really, it's NOT! Oh no! That grass is all brown and crusty and rotten and filled with yucky bugs (not the cute ones either) and parasites and worms and venomous snakes even! The problem is that on top of the grass is some appealing shit like sunflowers or daffodils. But as soon as those sunflowers and daffodils die, the real nasty grass shines through and then he'll realize that her grass isn't fucking green at all and the grass he did have was the bestest fucking grass on the mother fucking planet! And that, Alana, is what doctors call The Grass Is Greener Syndrome.

    (I was trying to put a smile on that pretty face of yours)

    I'm just so sorry. I wish I could take this pain away from you. I know you know what you're feeling is normal, so go ahead and feel it for as long as you need to. How is Holden holding up?

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  16. Thanks Kaleena! And I agree with the 100/100 idea (the one smart thing I ever heard Dr. Phil say haha). It just feels so unfair. I built my whole life in Utah with Ryan and now I'm supposed to start all over again with nothing.

    I wanted to wait to tell people, but I'd already vented to some people so I figured I might as well. I'm not ready to deal with the facebook thing yet though. I think I'm just gonna suspend my account for a few months.

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  17. April: lol I saw something that said "the grass is greener where you water it." Ain't that the truth.

    Holden is fine. He doesn't know anything is wrong. I mean, he might suspect something since he's seen my "crying face" pretty often over the last two days, but we haven't argued or anything in front of him. We've decided we're gonna spend the next few months living together since I have zero income and we think it'd be better for Holden if we go through the holidays (and his birthday is in the beginning of Jan). I have no idea what we're gonna do then, but I need to know it's a for sure thing before we tell Holden. I think giving ourselves a few months would work out best. Of course it makes it super hard and awkward but that can't be helped.

    Honestly, part of me wonders if it's because I'm Ryan's first relationship. He hasn't learned all the bad lessons disastrous dates and partners teach you. But of course I always torment myself and wonder how I failed.

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  18. Ugh. Ya know... I just watched my sister go through the same thing. The symptoms are always the same. The 'I don't know what it is. I don't know what I want. I don't feel like working on it.' is the cowardly way to do things. Red flags that there's someone else in the picture.

    I'm so, so sorry that you're dealing with this on top of everything else you've got on your plate. Just know that you are amazing and none of this is your fault. It was his job to come to you about the things he needed or wanted but felt he wasn't getting. You are not a mind reader. No one is. hugs and hugs and hugs for you.

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  19. Thanks Sarah. In Ryan's defense I don't really think it's this girl's fault (though I wish I could just blame her) and I did push him into ending it. I just couldn't handle it when he wouldn't put our relationship first and stop talking to her. It made me so angry and I felt like his actions were telling me it was over even though he wasn't ready to say it yet.

    I'm not gonna lie, I still hope we can get past this. I'm just trying not to torture myself by hoping too much.

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  20. "I just couldn't handle it when he wouldn't put our relationship first and stop talking to her." You were his girlfriend and the mother of his child. You were in a long-term, committed relationship with him. You had every right to expect him, especially during such a time of uncertainty, to put your relationship first.

    I know we always blame ourselves because it's so easy to do. And I'm sure in some ways you were at fault, because it does always take two. But the issue is that you don't know what those faults are because he wasn't willing to communicate them to you. As Sarahbear said, you're not a mind reader. How can you work on something you don't know you're doing wrong?

    I hope you're able to enjoy your weekend a little bit. On my way home from work last night I popped in my old Alanis cd and I thought of you and got angry for you. If it makes you feel any better, I heart your grass!

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