Thursday, October 6, 2011

In which our heroine explains all the crying

Some of you who follow me on twitter may have noticed I've been all emo lately. Basically this is because my relationship with Ryan is not in the best place. I considered writing this post for a while, but I often struggle with how much of my life should be public and what deserves to remain private. So while I still intend to keep most of the situation amongst me and any of my friends and family that were willing to let me blab about it with them, I did think some sort of explanation was in order.

For those of you who don't know, I've been dating Ryan for over six years now. In fact, we're just a few months shy of our seventh anniversary. Just typing those words has made me really emotional and I'm not even joking when I say I've been an emotional train-wreck lately. Seriously, how much liquid can my body exude? It's out of control and I find myself tearing up over everything. Just yesterday I cried watching Glee, talking with Ryan, talking to my sister about my talk with Ryan, and listening to As the Cold Rain Falls by Tiger Army. I'm actually afraid to put on makeup because I can't trust myself to keep it together.

You can probably already tell where I'm going with this post, but I guess I have to actually type the words. For the last few weeks Ryan has been...basically missing. His body has been here, but he's essentially abandoned me emotionally. A few months ago the same thing happened, but it was only for a couple weeks and it wasn't as bad. This time though, I knew something was different. After lots of fights that consisted of Ryan ignoring me while I lost my shit, we were finally able to sit down and talk about it yesterday. And it basically boils down to this: Ryan doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore.

Now I want to be very clear: I still feel the same. Up until a few weeks ago I thought we were happy. I didn't know anything was wrong and I was more in love with Ryan than I had ever been. I still am. All of what's happening is with Ryan. He said he doesn't know what's wrong but he doesn't feel happy anymore. Getting Ryan to talk about his shit is like pulling teeth so I didn't get a lot of explanation, but it sounds like he just feels apathetic about our relationship. So while he doesn't want to break up, he's not sure he wants to stay together. He essentially feels nothing and he doesn't understand it anymore than I do (according to him).

That sound you hear is my heart shattering into a thousand tiny pieces.

The question I'm left asking myself is whether indifference is really better than the alternative. But no matter how incredibly selfish I think it is of Ryan to do this to me, at the end of the day I want things to work out. I'm willing to do what it takes. Does he need space? do we need to go away for the weekend and spend some time alone? The problem is how do you fix something when you don't know why it's broken? Since Ryan doesn't know what suddenly changed I don't know what the next move is. All I'm left with is eggshells and the hope for better days.

And the tears. So many tears.

So that's why I've been in a mood and out of sorts. My sister told me I shouldn't obsess about it (since that's what I do) and just go about my business until things return to normal. And though I'm not usually a fan of the "pretend everything is okay" plan, I think she does have a point. Even though yesterday was tough, the knowing was better than the not knowing and I actually feel a lot better considering.

I don't really know what else to say. I feel like I've revealed too much, but it is what it is.


  1. I think tears are a really reasonable response. And, honestly, I think it would be really hard not to constantly finding yourself thinking about it. I'm not sure it's obsessing when you're genuinely trying to figure out where things might have gone wrong after seven years. I mean, that's a long commitment to suddenly have the carpet taken out from under you.

    I'm not even going to pretend to know what it's like. I don't have a clue what I'd do if Josh said something like that, and we haven't been together as long as you and Ryan. I'm glad that your sister, other family, and friends are listening to you. I don't know if you go for prayers, or positive vibes and the like, but I'm really hoping things turn out okay for your family.

    Warm thoughts,

  2. Thank you! A carpet pulled out from under me is the perfect way to describe it.

  3. I think that all long-term relatonships go through phases like this. That doesn't mean that you'll definitely get through it, but I think it's normal for feelings to ebb and flow and be stronger and weaker throughout years and years together. Maybe it's a 7 year itch?

    I can't imagine how heartbreaking it feels though, and I'm sending you the best and most positive thoughts that I can. As I said on Twitter, I'm always here to talk if you need it. <3

  4. Thanks again. :) I'm hoping that's all it is too. We've been through similar things before, but this time it feels a lot more extreme.

  5. I agree with Britni. Long-term relationships are full of ups and downs. There are also times where it's just sort of there, existing, because life is that way.

    I don't know that I agree with just letting things go, because if it is a problem you want to work at and fix, ignoring it will only make it get worse. Then again, he's unsure what the issue is so worrying about it too much may cause more stress. It would be a good idea to try some new things and see if the spark can come back. Maybe a weekend away with just the two of you or spending some time apart so when you do see each other it's like you looked forward to it. With the little one starting school and you going back this semester, it may just feel like he's trying to figure out where he fits into all of it. We all go through periods where we readjust our perception of who we are and what we want. I'm wishing you the best of luck. I know it sucks to go through it. =/

  6. First things first--sending a big hug your way from California.

    Secondly, I agree with everything everyone else has said before me and continue hoping that everything resolves itself soon, and that you can be at peace with how things turn out, either way. I certainly hope you guys pull through it.

  7. Thanks you guys!

    Sarah: I totally don't want to do nothing. I'm the kind of person who likes to hammer out problems and get shit done lol. I once read a quote that said if you aren't moving forward you're moving backwards and that's kind of my life motto. The problem is Ryan isn't like that though. I pretty much offered every solution I could think of, but the problem is he doesn't know if he wants to try. What can I do with that? I'm scared of doing nothing cause I don't want the distance to grow, but until he can make the decision to try and work things out I don't see what I can do. The fact he can't even make that decision hurts the most.

    gah I'm tired of talking about this. haha

  8. But really, thank you everyone.

  9. I know you're tired of talking about this, so no response is necessary. (Just had to get that out of the way)

    Now, OH ALANA! I'M SO SORRY! I am sitting here with tears running down my face for you. I know I've never met you but I feel like you're a genuinely amazing person with a heart of gold. I want to pick up the pieces of your broken heart and put them back together and then give you a great big hug. (I'm going to stop being emotional now, sorry)

    It does sound like you're in a stuck position. He doesn't know how he feels, what he wants to do, or even if he wants to try to fix it? UGH. I'm sure you thought of this, but have you suggested that he go to counseling? It might be best for him to go solo for now so he'll feel comfortable getting to the root of the issues. Because really, this has to be coming from somewhere. Shit doesn't just go away when you're not having serious issues, especially when you're with someone as awesome and beautiful as you. Maybe you can present it to him this way, going to counseling will not only help him figure out what the problem is, but if he's willing to work on it or not?

    I really, truly am so, so sorry this is happening to you. You do not deserve to be hurting so badly. I know you have family and real life friends you can talk to, but please know that I'm here for you if you ever want an internet friend to blab your problems to. I promise I'm a good listener. *hugs*

  10. Oh I didn't mean to dissuade you from commenting. I've just been venting to anyone who'd listen to me for about a week now. lol

    And thank you for your comment. I even starting tearing up, but I wore dark eye makeup in order to force myself to not cry anymore today. "Ugh" pretty much says it all. And even though I would love it if Ryan went to counseling (it's kind of obvious the problem is him), that's just not gonna happen. I don't even think we can afford it. Him not wanting to work towards fixing it is what I don't get. Even if his hear isn't in it, how can he not want to try on an intellectual level? How can he not want to try for Holden's sake? Though I do want to say he's been his normal self around Holden. It's basically just me (ouch).

  11. I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Hopefully, he'll remember why it is he loves you so much soon :-)

  12. *hugs* I hope things work out. And I'm always willing to lend an ear if you need it.

  13. I've been married going on 12 years now (with 1 10 yr old kid) and can totally relate. There have been multiple times where we've discussed divorce, or things aren't working or whatever. And Dan (the hubby) is sometimes impossible to get anything out of. He doesn't think it's working but he doesn't want to get divorced. Or we're both not happy because things are different or we're different or whatever the thing is.

    People do go through difference phases at different times and sometimes we're just not jiving to the same frequency (gods I feel old just saying that!). What I have found has been questions like "Do you still love me" (notice, I did not say IN LOVE??) and I ask myself the same question. Another question I ask myself is "Can I really imagine my life without him in it?" and that really question is what has driven me to stay in and work on relationship.

    For me, I am basically waiting for him catch up or wake up or whatever it is he needs to figure out. I have and will continue to move forward with my life and if he wants stay on the ride or get off, I am fine with either.

    It's hard. Really hard, to be strong for yourself when you still love someone so much. However, I'd rather be true (ok, as true as I can be) to myself...

    Like everyone else, I hope things work out. Even more, I hope you are happy! ((hugs))

  14. Thank you for the advice! It all sounds reasonable but I don't know if I'm ready to be reasonable. lol I'm so angry and hurt it's hard for me to know what I want. I think you're right about just going about my business as usual though.


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