For those of you who don't know, I've been dating Ryan for over six years now. In fact, we're just a few months shy of our seventh anniversary. Just typing those words has made me really emotional and I'm not even joking when I say I've been an emotional train-wreck lately. Seriously, how much liquid can my body exude? It's out of control and I find myself tearing up over everything. Just yesterday I cried watching Glee, talking with Ryan, talking to my sister about my talk with Ryan, and listening to As the Cold Rain Falls by Tiger Army. I'm actually afraid to put on makeup because I can't trust myself to keep it together.
You can probably already tell where I'm going with this post, but I guess I have to actually type the words. For the last few weeks Ryan has been...basically missing. His body has been here, but he's essentially abandoned me emotionally. A few months ago the same thing happened, but it was only for a couple weeks and it wasn't as bad. This time though, I knew something was different. After lots of fights that consisted of Ryan ignoring me while I lost my shit, we were finally able to sit down and talk about it yesterday. And it basically boils down to this: Ryan doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore.
Now I want to be very clear: I still feel the same. Up until a few weeks ago I thought we were happy. I didn't know anything was wrong and I was more in love with Ryan than I had ever been. I still am. All of what's happening is with Ryan. He said he doesn't know what's wrong but he doesn't feel happy anymore. Getting Ryan to talk about his shit is like pulling teeth so I didn't get a lot of explanation, but it sounds like he just feels apathetic about our relationship. So while he doesn't want to break up, he's not sure he wants to stay together. He essentially feels nothing and he doesn't understand it anymore than I do (according to him).
That sound you hear is my heart shattering into a thousand tiny pieces.
The question I'm left asking myself is whether indifference is really better than the alternative. But no matter how incredibly selfish I think it is of Ryan to do this to me, at the end of the day I want things to work out. I'm willing to do what it takes. Does he need space? do we need to go away for the weekend and spend some time alone? The problem is how do you fix something when you don't know why it's broken? Since Ryan doesn't know what suddenly changed I don't know what the next move is. All I'm left with is eggshells and the hope for better days.
And the tears. So many tears.
So that's why I've been in a mood and out of sorts. My sister told me I shouldn't obsess about it (since that's what I do) and just go about my business until things return to normal. And though I'm not usually a fan of the "pretend everything is okay" plan, I think she does have a point. Even though yesterday was tough, the knowing was better than the not knowing and I actually feel a lot better considering.
I don't really know what else to say. I feel like I've revealed too much, but it is what it is.