Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

November Goals

I posted this at Sunshine and Bones but I thought I'd put it here too since y'all are my peeps. Having two blogs can be a pain in the butt sometimes. Why don't more people want their recipes with a side of political snark? Oh well...

I know November is a week away, but I thought I should make some goals for myself. It's not easy picking up the pieces but it's a little more manageable when you have a clear understanding of what you want. At least that's what I'm telling myself.

1. Start doing the things I love

When everything was going on in my life I stopped doing the things I loved. This is not good. I haven't been reading or crafting and I need to. I'm starting to feel like my old self again, but my hobbies are a huge part of who I am.

2. Get back into blogging

This goes with the one above, but I think it deserves to be on its own. When I lost interest in doing anything blogging was the first thing that suffered. And while I don't think blogging is of some extraordinary significance in my life, I like doing it and I didn't stop because I made the conscious decision to. Plus all the people I've met online have been wonderfully supportive and I don't want to lose those connections.

3. Find a new place to live

This goal is probably the hardest. Not only is it gonna be a pain to actually move and all that, but I have horrible credit so I got to figure out a way around that. I know it'll work out in the end, but it's stressing me out.

4. Be a better friend

As the dust settles on my relationship drama I've come to see that there are ways I can be a better friend. This goal is a little more vague, but I just want to make the effort to turn a few acquaintances into true friendships and make sure some friends are getting all the love and support they deserve.

5. Go out dancing

I haven't been dancing since I first started dating Ryan. Going out is something my friends and I have been talking about forever, but it's time.I've never been the club type, but by god we're going out.

6. Accept where life takes me

Ooh this one is vague and all existential isn't it? I just want to live life the best I can without over-analyzing everything. I tend to obsess over things and I'm really trying not to. I want to make a new home for myself with my loved ones and I can't do that if I'm not open to where life takes me.

Monday, October 24, 2011

What we need isn't always what we want

I thought you guys might be interested to know what's been happening in my life since everything fell apart. Even though I feel a little strange writing about my personal life in such detail, I don't want the story to be half told. At the end of the day I'd rather give too much away then not enough. This is how I try to live my life and its worked out pretty well so far.

Its been two weeks now since Ryan broke up with me, but it feels like I've already lived a century in that short time. I've felt everything from unbearable sadness to surprising happiness. While part of me still can't believe this is happening, the other part is starting to be okay with it. I feel guilty admitting that, but I'm actually starting to look forward to the future. I'm at the point where I'm starting to question my feelings for Ryan and that's a good thing. Even though I would have given Ryan everything, I'm starting to wonder if I even know him anymore. The man I fell in love with wouldn't so easily walk away and I'm starting to suspect he's just not that man anymore.

We told Holden Ryan was moving out on Friday and Ryan will be out of the house by the end of the week. I know it's gonna be really hard for me that day, but it had to happen. I need him to leave so I can adjust. It's not fair for either of us to be trapped in this arrangement for the sake of ease. And to be quite honest, I simply don't want him here. I'm having a hard time believing I'm going to be doing this mostly on my own though. I wouldn't say I'm a single parent, but I'm no longer part of a partnership and it's really scary. I know I'll be okay and we've already agreed on a schedule, but it's still a bit overwhelming at times. The thought of being alone in the house where we built our lives is hard so I'm planning on moving at the end of the month.

Moving won't be easy either. I'm going to be moving in with my girlfriend and both of us worry about our relationship and how everything's gonna work. Making plans for the future though is what has really gotten me through this. It's easier to make lists and figure out payment schedules than it is to sit still.

And that's really it. It's strange but I actually feel like I'm moving on too quickly. Like I should be more sad. But every time I go out with my friends I see glimpses of the life I can have and I want it. Maybe it's because of the life I had growing up, but I know I'm infinitely stronger than this situation and I'm done feeling like life has let me down. I just can't go anywhere with that. I'm surrounded by far too many amazing people to wallow in self pity. I had a moment this weekend that made me realize I can't dwell on the past.

So no I'm not perfectly fine, but I will be. And if it's anything like this weekend it'll be more glorious than I would have thought possible.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Emotional Instability Set to Music

I always wished life was a musical so I thought I'd put some of the feelings I'm experiencing to music. I'm being completely self indulgent so you might want to skip this one.











What emotion is wanting to drench someone in gasoline? That one:


In other words, I'm a hot mess. I keep thinking the worse is over and then I find myself crying all over again.

It's Over

I've been staring at my computer screen trying to find the words to explain how my whole life has fallen apart. How one day you can wake up to find you built your house on a pile of sand and there's nothing you can do to stop everything from tumbling down.

Yesterday Ryan broke up with me.

Most of you know we've been having problems. I posted about it last week and you guys were overwhelmingly supportive (and I'm super thankful). So what happened in a week? Without getting into too much detail I found out Ryan's been talking to this girl at work quite frequently (30 times in ten days frequent). Anyone who knows Ryan knows he's not the phone type so I thought it was peculiar. When he admitted he liked her I gave him an ultimatum. As you can guess that didn't work out too well for me.

At our baby shower 2005

So here I am. I don't even know what I feel besides an overwhelming sadness. I keep wondering where I went wrong. What was I not able to give him? How is it so easy for him to throw away everything we built together? I feel unloved and discarded by the person I thought would always be there. By the person I would do anything for and am thoroughly and completely still in love with. Part of me feels like I deserve this for being too happy and too confident in our relationship.

I realize not all of these things are true. It's just the way everyone feels when their heart has been broken. But knowing it doesn't change the fact I still feel it. I never believed in forever until I met Ryan and I'm bitter. I feel cheated out of something I was promised. And while the suddenness is what makes it hurt so much more, Ryan admitted he hasn't been happy for a while. So he also gave me the gift of thinking back over our lives and wondering how much of it was real and how much was a lie.

August 2009

But how could it have not been real? That's what I keep wondering. How could I not have known? Wouldn't I have felt it? Why does his unhappiness have to be the end of everything? We aren't even gonna work on it? How can it be so easy for him? The thought of having to tell our families is nauseating and I just want to fix things. But how can you fix something when the other person has already given up? How can he be so nonchalant about the fact he just tore out my heart? And what about Holden? Doesn't he deserve better?

Last Christmas

As you can see by this post my emotions keep bouncing between despair and rage. (Is there anything more infuriating than the phrase "I still care about you?") Maybe I'm being a little unfair, but I don't care. All day I kept thinking Ryan would realize he'd made a terrible mistake. But then as soon as he could he scurried off to call her. So I guess that's it.

And by god it hurts.

Friday, October 7, 2011

inforgraphic: Inequality

I was looking for some figures on tax rates because my post on who pays the most taxes seems to bring odd comments out of the woodwork, and I came across this set of inforgraphics. It almost made dealing with the annoying comment worth it.

You find more graphics and interesting facts here. Like did you know, "In 2007, the bottom 60% of Americans had 65% of their net worth tied up in their homes. The top 1%, in contrast, had just 10%." Wow.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

In which our heroine explains all the crying

Some of you who follow me on twitter may have noticed I've been all emo lately. Basically this is because my relationship with Ryan is not in the best place. I considered writing this post for a while, but I often struggle with how much of my life should be public and what deserves to remain private. So while I still intend to keep most of the situation amongst me and any of my friends and family that were willing to let me blab about it with them, I did think some sort of explanation was in order.

For those of you who don't know, I've been dating Ryan for over six years now. In fact, we're just a few months shy of our seventh anniversary. Just typing those words has made me really emotional and I'm not even joking when I say I've been an emotional train-wreck lately. Seriously, how much liquid can my body exude? It's out of control and I find myself tearing up over everything. Just yesterday I cried watching Glee, talking with Ryan, talking to my sister about my talk with Ryan, and listening to As the Cold Rain Falls by Tiger Army. I'm actually afraid to put on makeup because I can't trust myself to keep it together.

You can probably already tell where I'm going with this post, but I guess I have to actually type the words. For the last few weeks Ryan has been...basically missing. His body has been here, but he's essentially abandoned me emotionally. A few months ago the same thing happened, but it was only for a couple weeks and it wasn't as bad. This time though, I knew something was different. After lots of fights that consisted of Ryan ignoring me while I lost my shit, we were finally able to sit down and talk about it yesterday. And it basically boils down to this: Ryan doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore.

Now I want to be very clear: I still feel the same. Up until a few weeks ago I thought we were happy. I didn't know anything was wrong and I was more in love with Ryan than I had ever been. I still am. All of what's happening is with Ryan. He said he doesn't know what's wrong but he doesn't feel happy anymore. Getting Ryan to talk about his shit is like pulling teeth so I didn't get a lot of explanation, but it sounds like he just feels apathetic about our relationship. So while he doesn't want to break up, he's not sure he wants to stay together. He essentially feels nothing and he doesn't understand it anymore than I do (according to him).

That sound you hear is my heart shattering into a thousand tiny pieces.

The question I'm left asking myself is whether indifference is really better than the alternative. But no matter how incredibly selfish I think it is of Ryan to do this to me, at the end of the day I want things to work out. I'm willing to do what it takes. Does he need space? do we need to go away for the weekend and spend some time alone? The problem is how do you fix something when you don't know why it's broken? Since Ryan doesn't know what suddenly changed I don't know what the next move is. All I'm left with is eggshells and the hope for better days.

And the tears. So many tears.

So that's why I've been in a mood and out of sorts. My sister told me I shouldn't obsess about it (since that's what I do) and just go about my business until things return to normal. And though I'm not usually a fan of the "pretend everything is okay" plan, I think she does have a point. Even though yesterday was tough, the knowing was better than the not knowing and I actually feel a lot better considering.

I don't really know what else to say. I feel like I've revealed too much, but it is what it is.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

Only a few today.

Monday, October 3, 2011


I've been doing a lot of reading lately looking for inspiration. Man there's a lot of interesting stuff out there to read. There's no end in sight and here's a small sample.


1. Johann Hari: A personal apology
In my work, I’ve spent a lot of time dragging other people’s flaws into the light. I did it because I believe that every time you point out that somebody is going wrong, you give them a chance to get it right next time and so reduce the amount of wrongdoing in the world. That’s why, although it has been a really painful process and will surely continue to be for some time, I think in the end I’ll be grateful my flaws have also been dragged into the light in this way. I would like to apologise again to my readers, my colleagues and the people hurt by my actions. I know that some of you have lost faith in my work. I will do everything I can now to regain it. I hope, after a period of retraining, you will give me the chance.
2. 32 Pictures Of Police Brutality From Occupy Wall Street Protests

Not all of these pictures actually depict police brutality, but I think it's a good collection none the less. You can also find a good roundup of articles about the protest here.

3. The Top 11 Hot Poser Nerds of All Time
That’s right, through some bizarre twist of fate, it’s now become cool for fashionable, good-looking, popular – in other words totally un-nerdy – people to boast that they are and always have been, underneath it all, really just big stinking nerds. Geeks, spazzes, dorks, whatever. It’s now hip for winners to call themselves losers.
4. Atheism has a sexism problem

5. Jon Hamm Talks About Rape And The Lack Of Positive Male Role Models
Hamm made the point to emphasize the importance of the Rape Treatment Center's educational outreach, especially for boys and young men. "It is an important thing to instill in a younger generation about the impact of rape, the lasting impact of rape," he said, adding, "Children from grade school to high school to college are incredibly susceptible and incredibly malleable, as we all know. To get them early, to teach them about the facts and figures and other realities of rape is key. It is an important issue to me as not only a man, but as an educator, as a human being and as a person on this planet."

6. How David Bradley and Justin Smith made The Atlantic relevant, webby and profitable:
Pivotal to the turnaround was Smith’s decision to lure Jay Lauf from a plum job as publisher of Condé Nast’s Wired. Lauf told salespeople it didn’t matter how much they sold in print or online dollars, as long as they met an overall revenue target. Digital advertising went from contributing 9 percent of ad revenue to a projected 45 percent this year. Print ad revenue, meanwhile, grew 24 percent in 2010 and is projected to be up 7 to 10 percent this year. Lauf said while his salespeople lured digital-focused advertisers by emphasizing digital properties, clients still wanted print. “A lot of the conventional wisdom was, you’re going to take your eye off print and you’re going to trade dollars for dimes,” he said. “It hasn’t cannibalized the print; it’s actually bolstered the print.”
7. Professor Feminism and the Deleted Comments of Doom:
That’s the real problem behind Mansplaining, and all the rest of it: We live in a culture where men are taught that, if they want women’s time and attention, they are entitled to it. They simply cannot grasp that a woman has the right to say “no.” You bitch, I have a Rolls Royce or you coward, I have more blog traffic than you: Whatever it is, it’s a guy insisting that he’s entitled to a form of attention a woman doesn’t want to give him, and lashing out at the woman for not giving it. From hence springs Mansplaining, sexual harassment, rape culture, and everything else we don’t like about how men treat women, from the tiniest violation to the most violent. All of it, ALL of it, springs from the idea that women should be ignored or punished when we say “no.” Which is the idea Professor Feminism is reinforcing with his actions, as we speak.
I actually don't agree with Doyle's original assessment of George RR Martin (it was actually kind of dismissive and lazy), but I do like this post about those annoying commenters who can never let things go.


The Ideal Candidate:

Snooki Takes Anderson Cooper Spray Tanning:

Can we just bask in the awesomeness that is the silver fox for a moment?

Harry Potter cast sing"Party in the USA" by Miley Cyrus:

An Open Letter to Larry the Cable Guy:

Part two is here.

Random Quotes:

“Republicans claim to be deeply worried by budget deficits. Indeed, Mr. Ryan has called the deficit an ‘existential threat’ to America. Yet they are insisting that the wealthy — who presumably have as much of a stake as everyone else in the nation’s future — should not be called upon to play any role in warding off that existential threat. Well, that amounts to a demand that a small number of very lucky people be exempted from the social contract that applies to everyone else. And that, in case you’re wondering, is what real class warfare looks like.”
                                                     —Paul Krugman
“American culture offers young Americans the “choices” of fundamentalist religion and fundamentalist consumerism. All varieties of fundamentalism narrow one’s focus and inhibit critical thinking. While some progressives are fond of calling fundamentalist religion the “opiate of the masses,” they too often neglect the pacifying nature of America’s other major fundamentalism. Fundamentalist consumerism pacifies young Americans in a variety of ways. Fundamentalist consumerism destroys self-reliance, creating people who feel completely dependent on others and who are thus more likely to turn over decision-making power to authorities, the precise mind-set that the ruling elite loves to see. A fundamentalist consumer culture legitimizes advertising, propaganda, and all kinds of manipulations, including lies; and when a society gives legitimacy to lies and manipulativeness, it destroys the capacity of people to trust one another and form democratic movements. Fundamentalist consumerism also promotes self-absorption, which makes it difficult for the solidarity necessary for democratic movements.”
                                                       —Bruce Levine

ETA: Just wanted to add that I got the Sady Doyle link from Britni. Totally forgot to mention it!