Wednesday, July 15, 2009

In which our heroine blubbers on

I shouldn’t be writing this right now because I’m kind of upset and that never tends to end well, but I need to talk to someone. Even if the computer screen is just another mirror, sometimes typing things out is the only way I can figure out what I’m really feeling without all the bullshit getting in the way. Thoughts often jumble together and lead to unknown places and it’s funny how I can still surprise myself after all this time.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I miss my friends back home. Even though I’ve met some really cool people out here, I don’t have the same feeling of connectedness I do with my old friends. I try not to let it bother me, but sometimes I can’t help being irritated at how close they are to one another because that’s how I feel with the friends I left behind.

And I did leave them behind. I may have had good reasons to leave San Diego, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I miss them.

I miss my mom and fighting with my sister over the most trivial things.

I miss the feeling of belonging I get only when I’m with them. Even though Ryan feels like home, they feel like acceptance.

I don’t even know why this has upset me so much. Somehow just typing out these words has made me feel lonelier. I keep thinking about how selfish I’m being since I have Ryan and Holden and how that's much more then some people and I just cry harder.

I wonder if I’ll ever get that feeling back; the feeling of truly belonging to a group of people instead of feeling like a hanger-oner.

God I hope so.

4 comments:

  1. Hang in there and hopefully you'll feel better tomorrow. It's funny, but we moved halfway across the country to get away from family! I'm jealous of anyone who has good friends, whether they live close or not, cuz my best friend is my hubby and I really don't have many others. Maybe I'm just a loner.

    Usually when you feel the worst it's just a matter of getting through that day or a couple of days, and then you'll start to feel better. Maybe calling your family will make you feel better, even if you can't be with them.

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  2. Thank you. And you’re right; I do need to call my mom. It’s weird cause I don’t get upset very often (in fact, this will probably be the only time all year). It just snuck up on me today. In my defense, I only got a few hours of sleep. lol

    I only miss a very few people in my family so I can relate in some ways. the fact Ryan's parents are here and we don't have a good relationship makes it worse in some ways.

    But I am lucky. I have two really really good friends back home (I actually have three, but she doesn’t really talk to me. It’s more like she talks at me). I find it so hard to make friends now that I’m adult, I don’t know what I’d do without them.

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  3. I relate to this feeling all too well. I wish I didn't, but I totally understand the feeling of loneliness that comes from leaving the place and the people that made you feel loved and accepted. It's hard, and people keep telling me that it gets easier, but I'm still waiting for that to happen.

    <3

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  4. Thanks. I already feel a lot better. It's just hard sometimes.

    Here's to hoping things look up for us all! :)

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