Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The friendship that can cease has never been real

I want to talk about my friend Stephen.

Not my mistress Stephen:

But my prison pal Stephen:

I met Stephen when I was 10 or 11. We all lived in the same small apartment complex (only 8 units) so it was only natural that everyone hung out with one another. And, of course, since he was five years older then me I had a huge crush on him.

Not too surprising right?

The problem is that crush stayed with me for a lot longer then it should have.

Even long after we all moved, Stephen was a fixed figure in my life. He was everything a girl would crush on: older, cute, and completely bad news.

When I was about 15 Stephen went to prison for the first time and I wrote him every week for four years.

If you’ve never written someone for a long period of time it’s hard understand how your relationship matures at an exponential rate. It’s completely different then your standard friendship since there is less surface stuff to talk about and be distracted by.

But when he finally got out of prison our relationship strained. The main reason being because I’m completely different from him and his friends.

Stephen and his friends are white boys. There’s no other way to say it. They’re white and conservative and very proud of it for some reason. They listen to metal, have tattoos, drink beer, expect their women to be whores in the bedroom, and prove how manly they are by being aggressive towards people.

I find it all ridiculous.

Don’t get me wrong, I love me a white boy. But I’m more into the dorky white guys who don’t feel the need to prove their manliness. I think the size of a man’s intellect is far more important then the perceived size of his balls.

And since I’m not afraid to say what I think, we didn’t get a long to well.

Get my drift?

Anyways, we still managed to fuck up our friendship by doing the one thing you never do.

That’s right, we slept together.

Not only did it make things awkward, but we were so fucking incompatible in bed that it was just plain embarrassing.

And that’s it.

I met Ryan, had Holden, moved to Utah and didn’t hear from Stephen again for quite a while.

Then I joined Myspace.

Well, it turns out Stephen followed a similar same path. Only difference being he had a baby with one of those trashy white girls and kept doing the same shit he always does.

And now he’s locked up again.

Only this time when he wrote me, I got the impression that he doesn’t know the first thing about me.

And maybe he never did.

I’m shocked at how little we have in common now. It makes me wonder if we ever had anything in common in the first place or if I was just blinded by my infatuation.

I don’t like it all.

Stephen was the first person I ever had any feelings resembling love for and it feels like that’s all been taken away from me by this new Stephen I don’t understand or relate to.

I’m not even sure why I decided to write this. I guess I was just hoping it would help me put my feelings in place.

Didn’t work out to great though.

No matter what I'll keep writing him though. That's what you do when someone you once cared deeply for goes to prison.

I just hope we find a common ground.

And soon.

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