Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Musingly or dreamily thoughtful

I can’t sleep regular hours. Ever since I was young, I have stayed up really late and slept in late. Honestly, getting up before 9 o’clock is pretty much my version of hell. That and mayonnaise sandwiches. (Seriously, what are you thinking people? It’s disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself.)

I’ve lived a few places where I was forced to wake up early and go to bed at certain times and I still couldn’t get to sleep before midnight. I would just lie in bed thinking of all the lucky bastards dreaming of hot gay men or whatever it is other people dream about. It seems no matter what time I go to bed I still sleep in late so I’ve just accepted it.

My mother is the same way though so I’m pretty much just blaming her. It’s a lot easier then taking responsibility for myself. Totally recommend it.

My point is that even though I always stay up late, sometimes I can get in a weird funk. I don’t want to say I get depressed (cause I’m not), but I can get very pensive about things. I actually nurture these feeling because they are the core essence of where my creativity comes from. Yes, I know it sounds totally queer but it’s true. I don’t think you can make truly artistic expressions without some sort of anguish.

But when I read blogs of people who are depressed, it makes me realize how lucky I am. My life is great. It’s boring and simple, but it’s mine and I love it. I have amazing friends and am in a relationship I really want to be in. Yes I need a job and am totally broke, but why should something as trivial as work bring me down? Sometimes I think I’ll never get to do all the things I want to before I die, but I think it’s important to just keep moving forward. That’s what happiness is to me.

I know I complain a lot on this blog, but the real reason I do so is because I’m hopeful for the future and know things can be better. We can be better.

I just don’t get why people sit and stew in their own unhappiness. I am a firm believer that you deserve what you put up with.

Sometimes I think I’m lucky to have had a hard childhood. It’s like I got all of my distress out of the way and now know that nothing can ever be as bad as it is when you have no control over your own life or the bad things that happen to you. People forget that it always gets better. Sometimes you take a hell of a beating getting there, but it’s just that much sweeter when you do.

It's almost 3 a.m. and I’m realizing that I could go on forever so I'm gonna stop...

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That was totally for you Haworth... lol

3 comments:

  1. I feel you about the irregular sleeping hours. I myself was on the 'net until about 4 this morning and find a 'normal' schedule hell as well.

    And I am depressed, fyi. :) I also complain because I want the country and world to be better than it is and often find it hard to accept things as-are without it bringin' me down. I usually am good at keeping perspective, however. I am an optimist at heart and that's what keeps me goin'.

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  2. You sound like you have a functioning sort of depression which is a lot different from the people who just sit and stew.

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with being unhappy. Too often we’re told being unhappy is wrong, but I think it’s completely natural and the perception that it’s not is one of the things wrong with our generation.

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  3. Thank you for those lovely *cough8 Panda's alana.

    I dont have a regular sleeping pattern either, but thats because i work nights! i start work at 10.30 pm and finish at 7am. And sleep all day lol.

    I have moments of being Depreessed/pissed of with everything but it is only ever a moment and im soon over it.

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